The lion being a humble farmer, toiled all day in the 50 acre paddy field owned by the local persian cat. Half the paddy thus produced was to be surrendered to the cat. Fed up with his losses in rice cultivation, the lion wanted to grow some plantain and ginger. But the Paddy Land & Wetland Protection Act would not allow it- only paddy could be sown.

The lion was heavily indebted to the local squirrel. The squirrel was known to be scheming to attach the lion’s hut invoking the SARFAESI Act.

The pig who was the Panchayath President wanted a shopping complex cum bus stand cum airport constructed in the paddy field. The surrounding lands were all bought up by other pigs. The Paddy Land & Wetland Protection Act did not allow for conversion of paddy land for commercial use. However, everyone in the Village, except the lion were in agreement that they needed an airport urgently. Even elephant, the village beggar, agreed to this as he imagined his prospects to be better in the new bus stand cum airport cum shopping complex. Hence it was decided that the law would be bypassed. For this purpose a bypass was to be constructed and the work was duly tendered to L&T. Only the mosquitoes protested, but they were in minority and lacked power. At this the Minority Commission expressed shock. Power so generated from the shock was drawn to all electric posts.

Millipede the postman then said that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Thus corruption became a major issue in the village. The issue-less and unmarried Owl decided to fast indefinitely. Fast changes were noticed in the village. The village was no longer a village. The Owl wanted a Long Pole to be invented to exorcise the corrupt which was agreed to and the Owl went back to his south western banyan tree.

The new Long Pole would be placed safely in the hands of the pigs and the squirrels and was to be used with due diligence and care on lions, tigers and mosquitoes whenever they disobeyed the law or questioned the pecking order of the village. Thus law and order was re-established.

After a few days the lion died. Few days later the lioness also died. Those who did not die lived happily ever after. Ten years later the auditors submitted a detailed report on the presumptive loss of life of 25 lions.

Last Friday, I went to sleep, as usual, well late into the night. My little daughter and her mom were already asleep. At about 2.30 am a sudden sound in the dining room brought us all up awake. The din would be sufficient to wake up the entire neighbourhood. Burglar!

My one-year old baby raised her head, surveyed around and then dismissing the furore, went back to sleep. (That was very helpful on her part.)  My wife and I declared an orange level emergency. The bed room was locked from within. I called my father who was in the bed room on the first floor on his mobile phone. He confirmed that he had also heard the huge noise. I cleverly and swiftly instructed him to lock his bedroom as well. It was as if the plates/kitchen utensils had fallen down. Somebody was surely in the house. My wife smartly recollected that our baby had spilled water in the dining room which was not mopped. Probably the burglar had slipped on the spilled water and taken whatever was on the nearby  table to the floor along with him. My lazy wife explained to me the utility of leaving water on the floor over night. I had arrogantly asked her in the evening to mop it up, which she had rightly ignored with premonition.

We decided to observe silence and not to switch on any lights in our bedrooms. We’ll fool the burglar into believing that we’re still sleeping. We’re by nature very smart people.

Now, in the housing enclave we have a night watchman employed by the Residents Association. Rather, by the iron lady.  He was always spotted in and around Mrs. X’s compound. Since he did not have a mobile phone (a rarity these days) my smart wife called Mrs. X on her cell phone, apologizing for disturbing her sleep and requested her to send in the watchman. She sleepily said that she’ll send him. We waited. After about 10 minutes the watchman appeared from Mrs.X’s compound. He looked like a 24X7 channel news-reader with formal security uniform above his waist and a cheerful and colourful lungi below. He had in his hands, his weapon of mass destruction, a Britelite torch.  For the next half an hour, from the compound of the iron lady he beamed his weapon to our house. He beamed it in different angles, to different directions. I was impressed. I took out my humble torch and beamed it back through the bedroom window. I waved across asking him to come into our compound, near my window. I wanted him to go around the house and find out which door/window was broken open to make entry. For about twenty minutes we continued the mutual ‘torching’ ritual and I started feeling very dumb and stupid for unknown reasons. After half an hour more, I understood that he would not budge from that compound. It dawned upon me that his loyalty to the iron lady would at no cost let him get out of Mrs. X’s compound. The loyal watchman will only watch from there.

At 3.30 am, I finally called in the police. In under five minutes they arrived in style and to say that I was surprised is an understatement. They jumped over the locked compound gates. They conducted a professional search of the compound and the house to finally discover the plate hanger in the kitchen (with dozen odd plates and glasses) with its nails uprooted from the walls and crashed on the kitchen floor. The half open window in the kitchen stared at us. Phew! There was no burglar in the house.

I bid a thankful ‘tata’ to the policemen and unlocked the compound gates for them to go out.  I saw the watchman waiting patiently outside my compound gate in his cheerful and colourful lungi with his weapon of mass destruction in his hand. He stated dryly that he could not jump over the gates and asked me in all earnestness if all was well inside and thereafter walked back nonchalantly towards Mrs. X’s compound.

The other day I had the good fortune to see one of the most talked about movies in the recent history of Malayalam film industry, ‘Urumi’. There is no doubt that the epic movie will make history.

The bulk of the shooting was done in some distant locale in Maharashtra, where Mani Ratnam’s ‘Raavan’ was also shot. In a flash, I was tearfully reminded of the old time underprivileged Malayalam films that were shot in ‘left-over’ sets of Tamil and Telugu films in Madras. The ‘Thank you’ for Mani Ratnam in the titles indicates the gratitude. Well, times never change, does it? However, what has been achieved by ‘Urumi’ within lots of constrains deserves a lot of applause.

The movie is a classic lesson for Malayalam cinema in low budget production and maximizing available infrastructure. For example, the very same rocky cave gets converted to Gama’s abode, Kelu Nayanar’s hide out, escaped prisoners’ hideout and even the Chirakkal King’s palace interior. You cannot beat this. The Arackal palace and the Gama’s ‘palace’ also seem to be strikingly similar from the exterior. Leftover paint from hardware shops have been well utilized in colouring the faces of junior artists, which probably helped in reducing their number. With just two of them, all the face-painted roles in all the scenes could be handled.

The movie is an intellectual treat. More aptly, an intellectually challenging movie that would challenge your intellect and history simultaneously.

The high humidity, ditches and ‘it just rained’ ambience of the hilly shooting locale makes for great cinematography. As far as Santhosh Sivan is concerned, what suits the camera suits the story. What suits the story suits the cinema. What suits the cinema suits history. Thus through this movie, history is being made. To conclude, Vasco Da Gama landed his ship on the hills. This cannot be ruled out if we also consider the possibility of space ships. Gama does look like an alien in some scenes and as I had mentioned earlier, the film is really out to make history.

So, the classic epic story is set in a distant high altitude plateau with dense tropical flaura. However, there seems to be some secret short cut path to the sea as the Portuguese seem be visiting the hill country off and on with their heavy canons. (The movie makers have been very careful not to show four-wheel drives carrying canons. The attention to such details is remarkable.) The high altitude- yet-sea faring kingdoms depended a lot on trading with Arabs, Chinese and Europeans. The sea shores and beaches, the prime source of their riches is probably a revered entity and is rarely photographed or shown in the movie.

The daring movie also managed to rise above silly concepts like language and vocabulary. The style, language and vocabulary of dialogues never get stuck to one era, probably because the movie is a timeless classic. Kelu Nayanar speaks modern Malayalam, occasionally attempts poetic inverse-prose and even tries out a few Suresh Gopi style dialogues sans the shit portion. It is very difficult to place him chronologically. This is the case with almost all characters. However, the jarring note is that of Jagathy and Prabhudeva, who speaks the same way throughout the movie, probably because they haven’t understood the underlying timeless theme of the movie.

The songs in the movie try to bring in colloquial Malabar lingo. On the other hand, the characters are from Kottayam and Tranvancore by speech. The dialogues of most characters remind us of MA Malayalam lecture classes in tutorial colleges. If the lecturer was inflicted by an attack of Chandu @ Chathiyan Chandu, you get Kelu Nayanar. Thus the language is not only timeless, but is also without regional borders.

The movie clearly transcended the challenge of language when a harvest song was spontaneously sung by the hero and his sidekicks started running around in ditches in the rain. (Vadakku Vadakku kottanu kottanu) Why sing of harvesting in the rainy season, somebody stuck in the silly concept of language would wonder. Such people also happen to be deeply stuck in other misplaced concepts like logic and reason. They would not have approved of the dance/song in the first place simply because the hero and his friend were damn hungry when they broke out spontaneously into the harvest song. Votaries of logic and reason would be worried of the mental status of these gentlemen who suppress their hunger and run around in the rain exhibiting really strenuous dancing skills. They would see the sudden appearance and disappearance of Tabu in the midst of the song as a hallucination of the hungry mind. But actually this song is a classic attempt to bridge the dichotomy between the stereotype of harvest and the taboo of dancing in the rain. With Tabu in the rain and people in the ditches with no visuals of harvest, the viewer is forced to imagine harvesting and cooking of food that would quell the hero’s hunger. The manner in which the hero walks is reminiscent of Dandi yathra and inspires nationalism in school children. It also reminds us of the salt to be put in the food. By that time Tabu disappears and all taboos subside and a new society is created. This is what is called a cinematic experience.

Though film critics would differ, I found Vidya Balan’s cabaret cameo very apt and fitting the occasion. (Great song. What lyrics! “Maruti vachanam..” wow!) Two warriors, Prithviraj and Prabhu Deva returning from a successful battle were treated to a wholesome cabaret enabling them to let their hair down and relax. Further, people would be reminded of similar witches with prophesies, though not necessarily good dancers, found in Shakespearean drama. This masterly stroke makes even cabaret dances look intellectual and profound. Similarly, the naxal look-alikes who kidnap the 21st century Prithviraj would make Arundhati Roy sit up and take notice. Having made an epic movie earlier seems to have helped Santosh Sivan a lot-the introduction of imported dress materials from the ‘Asokan’ empire was a bold and classic experiment which drastically altered subaltern fashion sensibilities leaving only the king and a few courtiers obsessed with mundu. The deep and very very very subtle anti-mining social message and the modern MNC white-man villain are also just too good. We must appreciate the sensibilities of not showing the whiteman as a member of the laughing club. Usually all Indian villains are members of this club. The film manages to convey the strong message that social evils like mining and smoking have to be eradicated.

The movie has been made with a lot of passion and research. The absence of coconut trees in those times was a classic discovery and the introduction of coconuts by the portuguese is a revolutionary concept. Our hero, Prithviraj has elaborated this discovery in his interviews and he is reportedly planning a thesis on coconuts, a documentary based on which could be telecast soon on BBC.

Conventional history sources like Barbosa, Barros, and Garcia tell us that the Portuguese first found coconut in India. Silly boys! According to another silly boy, Losada, the name, ‘coconut’ was given by Portuguese explorers, the sailors of Vasco da Gama in India, who first brought it to Europe. The brown and hairy surface of coconuts probably reminded them of a ghost or witch called Coco. Tenga was the term used in the detailed description of coconut found in Itinerario by Ludovico di Varthema published in 1510 and also in the later Hortus Indicus Malabaricus. Tenga, incidentally is the word used in malayalam and tamil. Even earlier it was called nux indica, a name used by Marco Polo in 1280 while in Sumatra, taken from the Arabs who called it jawz hindī. Both names translate to “Indian nut.” In the earliest description of the coconut palm known, given by Cosmos of Alexandria in his Topographia Christiana written about 545 A.D., there is a reference to the Argell Tree and its fruit the great nut of India.  Now, let us try to find out the truth about the nut.

History, as seen above  is often written by the victors and has a lot of falsehood in it. We need to get to the bottom of the truth. This film really hits the very bottom in this endeavour. According to this movie, coconut was discoverd, nay, invented when the white skinned gentleman decided to call it coconut. He brought it to the south indian coast from the dense coconut groves of Europe. The portuguese were addicted to european Thega chammandi and they missed it badly in Kerala. Finally thjey decided to plant coconuts in this part of the world as well, so that they get plenty of chutney. And thus, Kerala was born. Wow! Goose bumps! Real history is finally exposed.

Now, as serious film lovers we have to appreciate the underlying psycho-drama played out. The imported coconut from Portugal later led to a loss of identity of the State itself. People began to call us by nicknames, linking us to coconut. The name Kerala itself is therefore a sort of nickname. Later when coconut prices fell, the Kerala economy found itself in peril. Basically the film has diagnosed the cause of current agriculture crisis to the introduction of coconut farming in Kerala by the cruel Portuguese. Now they cannot escape from this responsibility. It is learnt that Santosh Sivan in his next movie is going to uncover the secret behind the cruel and deceitful introduction of ‘malayalees’ into Kerala which is yet another pestering problem faced by the State, second only to coconuts in magnitude and malaise.

Finally, one really has to appreciate the fight sequences, especially towards the end. I was reminded of ever-green hero Prem Nazir. Prithviraj is sure to adorn the throne vacated by Prem Nazir. It was only Nazir (not even Rajni) who could survive the entire stunt sequence without a scratch on his body to finally succumb on a bullet in the final shot.

Two questions however haunt every viewer at the end of the movie. Who was travelling in the helicopter that flew in the background when Kelu Nayanar was busy in the final battlefield? Second, who did the great coconut research for the film?

All I can say is that I contributed Rs.100/- towards Prithviraj’s marriage expenses.

Once upon a time, under the suzerainty of the Mughal Empire, a small kingdom of Karela prospered, where bitter gourd and sour grapes were grown in plenty. There lived a young, enterprising, dynamic, dynamitic and charismatic boy by the name of Drishtadyumnan Nair. He decided to enroll himself in the services of the Emperor. To his surprise, the Emperor selected and appointed him. The Emperor sent him back to his kingdom of origin for rendering service to the empire and its animals.

His new job title was Sekharankutty, the horrible.

The Karela kingdom was in the shape of a bitter gourd and he was posted at the northern hilly tracts. The primary duty of a Sekharankutty was to take care of the tea gardens and all the sheep in the locality. Most of them were black. The basic core fundamental duty of every Kochu Sekharan was to eat, drink and make merry.

For one year and 240 days the young, enterprising, dynamic, dynamitic and charismatic Kochu Sekharan looked after the sheep and made orthodox tea. Sekharankutty was very happy with the sheep and he started to believe that in due course of time he could yeild tomato, potato, rice and pulses instead of bitter gourd. The local goats and pigs would also get themselves enrolled as sheep and very soon a sheepish revolution would take place…thus dreamt Sekharankutty, the silly boy.

But very soon he encountered a pack of buffaloes who insisted on excreting on public roads and public land. Generally this was referred to as bull shit. Nobody had the guts to point out that it wasn’t bull shit. Sekharankutty requested the buffaloes to control their urge and regulate it through medico- legal machinery. Sadly, nothing resulted. Finally, Sekharankutty decided to remove the bull shit from the road. And he did. Soon he was in deep shit.

The Buffaloes happened to be well connected. Each buffalo had two horns each and in totality the herd looked extremely horny. As a result, the local chieftains’ ego erected and they sprung up and rose into action. They had vested interests and they briefed the local king accordingly. In short(s), their  vested interest made their briefs unreliable.

Gradually, every goat, pig and sheep in the Karela land soon started behaving like a buffalo. All these buffaloes had two horns each and therefore in the socialistic sense, all buffaloes were equally horny, no doubt. But a few were more horny. Sekharankutty was surprised.In a short while he found himself all alone, surrounded by secular socialistic democratic buffaloes, and more buffaloes in the guise of goats, sheeps and pigs. In the resultant avalance of buffaloes, pork and mutton prices soon hit the roof. Fed up, Drishtadyumnan Nair relinquished his post of Sekharankutty and relocated down south, where mutton prices were comparitively low. He still had a few black sheep for company.

The Emperor continues to smile and the local kings are still as benevolent as ever. The buffaloes continue to put bull shit on the road while bulls never complain. This is a buffalo world. Accept it. Never point fingers at buffaloes. The rest is all bull shit.

The only reason why this will not be rated as a cock and bull story is that there is no cock in the story.

The Indian system is heavily loaded in favour of the Aam Aadmi.  On the other hand it doesn’t provide timely justice to the privileged. This injustice has been continuing for quite some time.

This is despite  democratisation and decentralisation of all sectors including crime. We have given the criminal elements an equal say in the maintenance of law & order while other nations have always ignored their rights, solely focusing on the policemen. We’ve also voted a few of them into the Assemblies and the Parliament and then proceeded to make them Ministers. We have ensured direct democracy to the most under-represented group, viz. criminals.

Despite this, ‘privileged’ criminals continue to remain the target of injustice as they do not get their rightful government accommodation and food. The rise of Aam Aadmi over the past 60-odd years has reduced the voice of the wealthy classes in governance. The World Bank-funded developmental loans have always referred to consultation and involvement of the affected parties and stakeholders. Non-governmental organisations (NGOs) are to be actively involved in all activities including crime.

According to an unnamed official, India has now successfully developed an implementation model of these proposals in both letter and spirit. According to Prof. Duryodhan Nambiar, noted management expert, this could also be seen from a systems perspective, and be labelled as a bottom-up approach where the ugly bottom of the society is displayed prominently. (Ugly is a subjective concept and it lies in the eyes of the beholder. It is also a relative concept. For example, if the top is uglier, the bottom becomes pretty.)

But as explained below, the system is favouring a section called the Aam Aadmi.  It is injustice to others.

For example, though we have succeeded in introducing crime in the entertainment industry, we have not yet succeeded in ensuring speedy justice to the protagonists at the top. And at the top it is pretty lonely.

I’m told of a famous music director by the name of Nadeem, who as per Mumbai police records, arranged to kill a Music company owner. Obviously they had some difference over the background score and the percussion to be used in the next album. Mr Nadeem is currently enjoying his stay in London from where he continues composing music for Bollywood films. He, of course, takes time off to fight his extradition case. He assured us back in India that he’ll return, provided he is guaranteed  justice from the Indian Courts. But the point to be noted is that on account of his wealth, he is still craving for justice. If he were a poor Aam Aadmi (mango man) he could have speedily gone to jail. His right to use a gunshot instead of the drum as a percussion instrument is also unjustly questioned by the Mumbai police. Speaking of percussion, it should be noted that the prosecution system too is heavily biased towards the Aam Aadmi and thus against the affluent.

Meanwhile the police officer who had investigated and charged this talented musician with the crime, is himself now behind bars. He is facing charges of conniving and conspiring with Telgi (Tel lagi), a fake “stamp-paper printer” and “distributor”. But of course, Mr Telgi apparently felt that he was only helping the government by taking over the burden of printing. And the quality of print wasn’t bad either. Some pest in the police administration made a big issue out of it.

Speaking of police officers behind bars, Daya Nayak (compassionate leader) the famous encounter specialist–based on whose life a Bollywood flick, “Ab Tak Chappan” was made–is now charged with owning assets exceeding his known sources of income. God knows how long this high-profile man may have to wait for a proper jail term.

The injustice meted out to the rich and famous is enormous in India.

The rich may get food, water, electricity and what not. But a timely FIR, a proper charge sheet, a death sentence, a decent jail term, or even a fine is far beyond the reach of the rich and influential. Their oppression and injustice are a long-drawn affair. The mango men meanwhile continue to get fines, death sentences, charge sheet and all other services of the State.

History has shown that the upper class youth will not bear their perceived injustice forever, for the mangoes will soon be ripe. The mood is vibrant and ‘smells’ of revolution. The very same smell was evidenced in Russia and China in the last century. In Poland and Afghanistan, even though it did smell momentarily, some capitalist pig sprayed a deo. In India, comrades tell me that the smell of ripe mangoes pronounces an imminent change.

After seeing revolutionary movies like “Rang de Basanti” in the multiplexes (with cola, pop-corn and girlfriend), the enlightened upper class youth might rise in unison to challenge this oppression perpetuated by the intolerable mango men of India and demand their due share of FIR, chargesheet and sentence. How disturbing.

From time immemorial I was a pure veggie. Then on a historic day, that my mother did not care to record, I became a non-veg eater. This happened in the late eighties. But in the mid nineties, I reverted to vegetarianism upon seeing gruesome pictures of butchered cows and goats. As a child, my heart bled for those animals and I joined PETA. Maneka Gandhi even wrote me a letter.
After six long years of vegetarianism, one fine evening I turned into a chicken eater.
That was in Bangalore. My friend and I were the only mallu male students in the batch and we happened to be the darlings of the senior mallu chechis. They found their long lost kumbh-mela brothers in both of us. One evening, a ChechiX, (name withheld) decided to throw a special party to celebrate her engagement.(The sad part of the story is that Chechi’s engagement very soon broke up. She eloped with a computer operator without finishing her house-sourgeoncy…) This wonderful Chechi had a prominent role in dismantling the viswamitra in me who had resisted temptations of chick(en). From then on, for months on end, I conducted a Digvijaya, pouncing upon all varieties of chicken.
Finally on an unrecorded date, I again became a vegetarian after seeing cages full of poultry pushed and shoved into a truck. I was reformed. If I had seen anything more I might have stopped eating completely and taken sanyas. I was reminded of Sidhartha Gautama who lived in the 6th Century BC. History repeats itself, very true.
Unlike the Buddha, my reformation was short lived. The period of sinning too was short lived as I found an article by Maneka Gandhi so moving that I quit non-veg food completely. For three months, precisely. Then I started eating chicken and quit reading Maneka Gandhi completely.
You must nevertheless understand that I never venture out on my own to start sinning. But once the first sin (aadi paapam) is committed, I’m very good at sustaining it. By now, I had learnt that to continue as a sinner, one should avoid looking at unpleasant sights and stop reading uneasy articles. One can train the senses and the memory not to disturb our conscience. It is an art. I entered the new Millennium as a confident sinner against the winged species.
In my gastronomic career, my greatest enemies were my own friends who poke fun at me during my non-veg period by quoting my own ‘great advices’ rendered during the veggie era. And when you are running a veggie period its very authenticity is put in question. The past few years saw me function as a troubled pendulum. The frequency was/is however undetermined. ChechiX and Maneka Gandhi are infact two symbols of culinary beliefs fighting within my subconscious mind.
“So, what is your current status?” When I dine with my friends I’m confronted with this wicked question and I can sense the iniquitous humour in the question. They term my frequent shifts in culinary habits as ‘chicken hearted’. That’s okay with me. Speaking of current status, I was a pure sincere vegetarian until I dug my teeth into chicken at my cousin’s marriage last week. (anyone tasted Thalassery Biriyani? Nothing like it.) There after I continued my sinning spree for the next two days…was just beginning to enjoy.
And then bird flu hit India

The story of the Yaess Island could be summarized as the perpetual struggle between the progressive and forward-looking administration and the regressive non-responsive citizenry. Citizens often alleged that the powerful ruling bourgeoisie wielded enormous unaccounted power, which was obviously untrue.

For instance, the Yaess administration was supplying hot water to the citizens once a day through Mark II pumps. As the Administration was very reform oriented, it wanted to introduce Mark III pumps which would supply water only once in a month. This would reduce water consumption greatly, thus contributing to the progress of the Island. The then Home Minister, Dr. Bakosh said in a press release that there was some resistance to Mark III pumps as the superstitious and traditional citizens did not adopt innovative measures such as bathing once a month.

Ignorant and unintelligent citizens often alleged the government of the Island to be very harsh on their basic civil liberties. One of their major complaints was the compulsory frog-hunting exercise undertaken in the early morning. This was being criticized by the Atheist & Rationalist Association of Yaess Island (ARAYI) as being superstitious and unscientific. Mr. Max D.D.T, President of the Association wrote to the Indian Hunter’s Union (IHU) complaining against the lead hunter, Mr. Shambhu. The first premise of this hunting exercise is that all human bodies are manufactured alike under factory specifications. Second premise is that compassion and usage of courteous language are cardinal sins. Martyrdom on the hunting grounds is the desired goal.

As per the law of the Island, criticism of the ritualistic frog-hunting is blasphemy. This has been specifically mentioned in Kon Duct Smruthi, the Ancient scripture dating as early as 1950 A.D. It also mentions that Frog hunting in the early morning makes your kidney hyper-functional and the pancreas muscular. The corpus callosum becomes Medulla Oblongata and the Oesophagus becomes the vertebral column. Elders in the island fondly recollect these sessions with goose pimples and tears.

Similarly, compulsory kangaroo riding is criticized by some intellectually challenged citizens. They have demanded that they be acquainted with more ‘mundane’ skills like bike riding taking into consideration that an astonishing number of the citizens didn’t know such skills. Lord Yarajesha, the Minister of Defence investigated this and found no merit in such arguments. He concluded that a proper understanding of the Kangaroo psychology would be very helpful as most people have basic underlying kangarufication in their psyche. The supplementary report by Lord White Tender said that riding a difficult animal like kangaroo helps one overcome fear. Infact, he recommended that in future compulsory riding on bear, tiger, lion and hippopotamus should also be introduced to cater to the needs of the fast changing globalization era. Enlightened citizens like Mr.Enemynta and Prof. Icepeak were thrilled to hear such proposals. Dr. Infinite Shiney, another prominent citizen and also a prominent medical professional hailed this decision on medical grounds.

Meanwhile, many misers amongst the citizenry led by Mr.Silver Shiney protested against rising food prices. The mid-day meal scheme was in quandary. H.H. Princess Sunken Emajinason, Minister of Food & Civil Supplies denied this. Prime Minister Sultan Ouou Lockkuar prepared detailed Excel sheets to study this allegation. Since Excel work sheet is extremely suited for this, the research work is expected to be completed by the very next decade. As luck would have it, Lord Srikrishna, the just, did not shower much blessings or rain in the Island for the sixth consecutive year. In short, rising prices and food shortage coupled with drought made the population rebellious.

However, petty talk over price rise and failed crops is considered unbecoming of a Yaess Islander who should not be worried of small things such as food, shelter and clothing. He is after all, the cream of the world. Such petty issues are for the beggars and the underprivileged wretched lot. But the sad part is that the non-progressive citizenry never rose above their petty concerns.

Meanwhile, there occurred a large scale infiltration of the Island by elderly migrants which resulted in acute shortage of essential commodities and basic facilities in the tiny Island. Many were rendered homeless and many lost their belongings to the invaders. Service-delivery deteriorated badly.

Another contentious issue facing the Island nation is the objection raised by fashion-ignorant citizens who termed the official dress code of the Islanders as ‘very very funny’. Subsequently, Lord Chou Oprah Commission was appointed which conducted a detailed inquiry and submitted the report thus:

“It is astonishing that the dress code has been termed ‘funny’ while the whole intent has been to bring in a grave mood by designing the attire modelled on an undertakers’ dress. We also note that the other option modelled on the Butler’s uniform has unfortunately failed to catch the imagination of the islanders. The Commission recommends that no change be allowed in the dress code and that it should be enforced more stringently. We need to perfect the dress code. The Commission is optimistic that in the near future we will achieve 100% dress code compliance. After that we will try to think about minor issues such as moral and ethical codes.” There was widespread rioting after the submission of this report and an agitated Ayyangar youth, Selvan L.Y Goodlaugh attempted self-immolation to demand statutory protection for mundu. Security proceedings were initiated against him by the District Magistrate, Lord Clockaani, under section 107 Cr.P.C as he threatened to set the whole of the island on fire. Finally, the issue was settled with Dr.Vaasu of the Paavaada Mundu Kazhakam (PMK) being nominated as a member of the Dress Code Implementation Committee.

It has to be noted that the past history of the Island has also not been very peaceful. The general public was so immature that it revolted in December 2007 A.D. Though the coup resulted in the overthrow of the then Prime Minister Lord Skylite Amberor, there were 107 casualties in the battle. Two contemporary historians Ms.Happyi and Ms.Happita have recorded the troubled times in their classic work titled “Post-modern positive trends in post-coup society-A Postscript”. This publication marked the paradigm shift in the administrative thought prevailing in society. The leftist progressive Intellectual, Prof. Murugan soon demanded that a study be made into the oppression carried out by the petty bourgeois over the citizens. The new post-coup administration decided to undertake a fresh look into the whole issue.

Soon, 8 study groups were sent out far across the distant lands to study and analyse how the citizens could be coaxed into accepting the modernisation programme of the Island administration. A comparative approach would then be made to find solutions to the problems faced by the administration and the citizens in this endeavour. The groups soon returned with lots of T.A Bills and a few diary notes.

Now the Administration appointed a Special Commission to go through the notes and inquire if there was any problem in the system which made life difficult for the citizens. And if at all there was some problem, should it be rectified?!

The Commission observed,

“The profound view of this Commission is that life should be made as difficult as possible with increasing degree of torture such that on a later date when one looks back, you tend to feel good about the past. This feeling would emanate from the sheer feeling of relief. The emphasis is not to enjoy the present. Enjoy only the past. This is a quasi-intellectual, quasi-cerebral exercise. These tortures have to go on as it maintains the relevance of the Island administration. The Philadelphia-Minnowbrook line of thought has not forsaken the “relevancy factor.’ While there are so many other ways to remain relevant and important, this is the easiest/shortest way. As efficient administrators, one needs to follow the shortest path. Time-motion studies are guiding us in this regard.”

The challenge before the Island administration is not just to modernise the administration, but also to process re-engineer the citizens’ thinking process. This would result in the transformation of Yaess Island to e-Ass Island by developing knowledge-torture linkages resulting from widespread automation and implementation of innovative programmes like e-danda.

The Officer Trainees are to carefully read the above case study and divide themselves into 91 groups and discuss strictly within their groups as to how a change could be brought in the Island.
The questions to be considered are:

1. What are the innovative forms of e-torture which are practically implementable in the Island of Yaess?
2. What steps do you suggest to make the citizens more torture-friendly?
3. Design a replicable model based on the above case study using MS Excel, MS Project and MS Swaminathan with interpolation of MS Paint in Oracle based exhaustive Data Mining architecture.

You will be judged and evaluated on the actual change/torture that is made possible.